The Do Over

 

It’s been 730 days since your last breath

Since the machine stopped

The hardest decision

The shock of your death

 

It feels like we both died that day

 

It’s been two years since my heart was violently ripped from my chest

Since you were taken away

Since a doctor said your name in the most tragic way that day

 

My heart’s mutiny

 

Two years has taught me a lot

And nothing at all

Learning to live without you isn’t easy

I don’t recommend it to anyone at all

 

There are days I still can’t get out of bed

A body dehydrated from all the tears shed

There are days I can’t leave my desk

Throwing myself into work, the only way to give my heart some rest

 

I don’t want to learn to live without you

Grief is just too heavy

My eyes, a broken-down levee

 

I have pleaded with the universe but she’s not listening

I scream at her, “There’s been a huge misunderstanding!”

She tells me ‘patience is a virtue’ and look at all the love you had

But I want a do-over

I’m tired of being so fucking sad

 

She gives me moments of happiness and joy

Then dumps on me the agony of guilt

Momentary bliss destroyed

 

I’m supposed to say, “At least she’s no longer suffering,” and of course I’m glad you’re not in pain

But what about my broken heart

Will the heaviness of grief ever wane

 

Your struggles with addiction were hard enough to watch

You were supposed to get better

To just fucking stop

I wanted you to shake it

Desperately wanted you to make it

 

Sweetie, I have so much left to say…

 

If I had talent

I’d make a quilt of 10,530 squares

One for each day I have loved you

A tapestry made from our tragedy

 

It would require a million stitches

One for each memory

My heart’s treasury

Sarah’s documentary

 

Our lives woven together

Nothing in this world could ever be better

That was the three of us

Just better together

 

But I’m no seamstress

Just your life’s witness

A mother’s love amplified

My heart’s apartheid

 

I know that I was the luckiest

Not everyone gets a child of their own

Sarah, I hope you knew, you and Parker are the greatest love I’ve ever known

Raising you kids is truly the most amazing thing I have ever done

 

And maybe that’s why I can’t find love that sticks

Maybe I gave all my love away

And if that’s the case, well, it was 100 percent worth it

I’ll take that do-over any day

 

I carry your heart, Sweetie. I carry it in my heart.

 

~ Jen Troyer, February, 2021