Cocoon, July 2014

Cocoon

In the past 22 hours, 3 people have told me I seem softer and don’t have my usual edge. I know what they’re talking about. I’m not offended. I am coming into my own.

I now acknowledge what I refused to believe/see/feel the previous year. And now I’m discovering that I can’t be hurt unless I allow it, that I can’t be lied to without accepting a lie as truth, that I can’t be devalued without first lacking self-worth. I am reclaiming my merit, my deservedness and realizing that only I can determine my significance. Speaking my new truth has indeed softened me.

While I know I have a lot to work on still, I am really loving this new me, this new woman. She’s not a new self, a new brain, a new heart or a new body. The core parts of this woman have always been there. She’s a modified version of a former truth. She was just waiting, wrapped snugly in her cocoon. And as soon as she stopped seeing herself through someone else’s eyes – The beautiful butterfly with delicate wings started to emerge. She is, no, I am becoming the woman I was meant to be. And I am going to be okay.

~ Jen Troyer, July 2014

No Gray, January 2009

No Gray

Gray: “Dull in color, lacking cheer or brightness in

mood, outlook, style, or flavor”

My world is black and white

I see no gray

 

I am skinny or fat, tall or short

happy or sad, sunny or cloudy

in-love or not

there are no in-betweens for me

 

You are liberal or conservative

caffeinated or not

middle of the road doesn’t work

this is how I see you

 

You either love me or hate me

you’re with me or against me

you see me as who I truly am

…or you reject me

 

You long to be with me or can’t wait to get away

you are my everything or

…nothing at all

 

I wonder where this came from

it’s always been the case

right or wrong

it’s just me

 

Perhaps with renewed hope

I’ll see different shades

the lightness and darkness

…the different hues of me

 

~ Jen Troyer , January 2009

Little Girl, November 2007

Little Girl

 

Tears shed, happy and sad

Heartbreak, both mine and yours

Unconditional love, my feelings for you

Overwhelming joy, what you’ve given to me

 

I know you can’t see through 15 year old eyes

The decisions I made were for both of us

The times you saved my life because I was coming home to you

My real birth date it’s not 1971….it’s April 1992

 

You don’t have to like me or even love me

But you are stuck with me

I’m the only mother you’ll ever have

And I’m not going anywhere

 

So listen up:

  • I want you to want what’s best for you
  • Demand respect from others, by having self-respect
  • Determine where your life goes, by choosing your path wisely
  • See the world and all it has to offer, create your own destiny
  • Give your heart away, but only to someone who is worthy
  • Give to those less fortunate, but first be good to yourself
  • Shout out loud and make yourself heard, and know when to just listen
  • Have your own opinion and stand up for what you believe, but do your research
  • Vote…every time, it is not your right, it’s your obligation
  • Support other women, there’s a long line of women who stood up for you
  • If something seems too good to be true, say “No, thank you”.
  • Avoid dangerous situations, but know how to protect yourself
  • Hold doors open for the elderly, and don’t be offended if someone opens the door for you
  • Wear clean underwear, brush your teeth, and be thankful
  • Show compassion – through all of your actions
  • Believe in yourself, even when you think no one else does
  • Always – always – always know that I love you

 

~ Jen Troyer, November 2007

 

Limbo, May 2007

Limbo

I am in Limbo. Somewhere between Heaven and Hell – without believing either ever existed. This is where dead souls come to wait, to be rescued from the chaos they’ve created in their own lives.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t intentionally come here. I just loved. That’s supposed to be good and pure and light – and it was for a while. For a while it was beautiful and amazing, it was warm and it was happy – until it was revealed that it was all a lie. A made up place in a person’s mind, a place I could visit but never stay.

I’m a crack whore or a meth addict. I just want more. I want one more hit of that place with you. I know what could be waiting at the end of the road for me, but I just want more. I want to feel that way again. One more hit, one more kiss, one more orgasm, and then I’ll stop being addicted to you.

I’m a born again Christian, just trying to do everything right so I can get to that place – that made up place somewhere out there, so I can be saved by you. Just like a Christian, who has been made to believe all the scary things you say: Love me or go to hell, Reject me and go to hell. But loving you is hell. Loving you means rejecting me.

Just one more hit, one more orgasm, one more kiss, one more embrace, then I’ll stop my addiction.

I’m Dorothy in my own sick Wizard of Oz, just trying to go home. But I don’t know where home is anymore and I keep following some God dammed brick road stained yellow from the piss of every failed relationship I’ve ever had. And if I look closely, I realize you’re the wizard of oz and I’m every fucking character. You stole my heart. You stole my brain. You stole my mother fucking identity and just gave me a hint of your made up Kansas.

But I just want one more hit, one more orgasm, one more click of my heels and then I’ll go…or you’ll stay and realize that we made heaven ourselves.

~ Jen Troyer, May 2007