Saving Myself

So… I’ve had a recurring dream since I was 12 years old. I have it whenever I’m extremely stressed out. There are 4 versions of the dream, but in each scenario, there’s a big wave that takes me out to sea and 1 specific person who can save me, if only she’ll reach out her hand and try.

20 years ago I consulted a dream interpreter, who explained that waves are emotions and said I felt like I was put into a situation I didn’t deserve (as a teenager) and am resentful that I wasn’t rescued. She suggested that each time I have this dream, I stop trying to be saved. That’s when I really got into dream interpretation.

I’m currently at the apex of my stress level. Selling my big home, building a home in Thailand, moving to a live/work space and floating a rental home in another country, all while having work done on my house, going through a surprisingly nasty divorce, totaling my car, and now re-homing the loves of my life, Humphrey and Bogie. That’s a lot for the average Joe, but it’s even a lot for bad-ass me.

Cut to early this morning just before I woke up. I’m having another wave dream, but this time, it’s a little girl I see swept out to sea and drowning. I run into the water, swim way out to the blue to get her, pull her up to the beach, do CPR and I save her. I saved her! That’s when I realized I was looking down at myself. The little girl was me. I FINALLY SAVED MYSELF. 30 years of therapy and I’ve finally saved myself.

This is for all the warrior women. May we become our own heroes.

~ Jen Troyer, July 2018

Day 16

There’s a stench in the air, it’s just hanging there
It’s the smell of a heart that’s dead
Buzzards flying overhead

The ache, the pain. Ah man, the burning sting
that first time you see him
without his wedding ring

“Soul mates” he said, “Spend eternity with me” he said
Those lies rest in a bubble over his head
The vows not kept, the hurt widespread

You tell yourself this isn’t real, this can’t be true
The pain sinks in as his words push through
“I’m just not in love with you”

He talks of family like he’s so noble
but where I come from
families aren’t disposable

Thank you for the epiphany, the realization I didn’t have before
The absolute understanding that I deserve more
The truth… I am no longer yours to ignore.


~ Jen Troyer, July 2014

Cocoon, July 2014

Cocoon

In the past 22 hours, 3 people have told me I seem softer and don’t have my usual edge. I know what they’re talking about. I’m not offended. I am coming into my own.

I now acknowledge what I refused to believe/see/feel the previous year. And now I’m discovering that I can’t be hurt unless I allow it, that I can’t be lied to without accepting a lie as truth, that I can’t be devalued without first lacking self-worth. I am reclaiming my merit, my deservedness and realizing that only I can determine my significance. Speaking my new truth has indeed softened me.

While I know I have a lot to work on still, I am really loving this new me, this new woman. She’s not a new self, a new brain, a new heart or a new body. The core parts of this woman have always been there. She’s a modified version of a former truth. She was just waiting, wrapped snugly in her cocoon. And as soon as she stopped seeing herself through someone else’s eyes – The beautiful butterfly with delicate wings started to emerge. She is, no, I am becoming the woman I was meant to be. And I am going to be okay.

~ Jen Troyer, July 2014