My daughter’s father

The trajectory of her life changed because I allowed a monster to meet his daughter.

Last Summer I found out my daughter’s father used her death as a means to get out of a felony assault charge. He claimed that he was distraught by the death of his daughter and their close relationship. Here was my response:

Regarding Scott’s “relationship” with Sarah J Troyer

I met Scott as a teenager. We were friends for a while and then dated briefly. I became pregnant at 19 years old, and at Scott’s request, we had a daughter at 20.

Scott attended one childbirth class with me and said he didn’t need to participate in the other classes. A few weeks before the baby’s due date, after breaking into my apartment while I was at work, he discovered that I was not wearing the necklace he had given me and ended our relationship. He left a nasty note, telling me I disrespected him by not wearing the necklace at all times, and that the break-up was entirely the consequence of this disrespect.

The baby was nearly two weeks overdue, so my doctor scheduled a labor induction. I called Scott several times to see if he planned to take me to the hospital and if he would be at the birth. Even the morning of the induction, my mom called Scott to see if he would be there. He called my mom “a bitch” and told her to mind her own business. Scott did end up taking me to the hospital and staying with me through most of the 36 hours of labor and delivery.

Sarah Jordan Troyer was born April 14th, 1992 and Scott left immediately after her birth. Before we were released from the hospital, I called Scott to see when he was picking me up and told him we had to fill out the birth certificate and other paperwork. He told me to get my own ride and that he wasn’t even sure if Sarah was his child. I was left to handle everything myself. I chose her name alone and knew at that moment, I would be raising my child alone.

Scott popped in and out for the first few months of Sarah’s life. When she was 5 months old, due to a high dose of prednisone, Sarah was hospitalized for 5 days. A few days into it, Scott came to visit her in the hospital. He stayed for an hour or so and played with her. Then he said he was going to the cafeteria and asked if I wanted a soda. He called me THREE DAYS later from Arizona!

This pattern of behavior continued throughout Sarah’s first year. Since Scott still contested that Sarah was his child, the state forced a DNA test, which proved without a doubt, he was Sarah’s biological father. 

When Sarah was starting Kindergarten, the state set a court date to establish child support and custody. Scott asked to meet with me for coffee before our court hearing. He’d had no contact with Sarah since she was about a year old. I told him he needed to be in her life consistently or decide what he wanted. All he wanted was to avoid child support and was opting to stay out of our lives. At Scott’s request, I sent the Division of Child Support a letter asking not to collect on my behalf. He made zero attempts at a relationship with Sarah.

When Sarah was 13 years old, I contacted Scott and asked if he would help pay for braces. I reminded him that I had never asked him for anything. He insisted on meeting Sarah. I told him if I allowed him into her life, he needed to stay for good. He needed to be all in or stay all out. He assured me that would not be a problem, but he was quite angry. Scott was irate that I needed to discuss it with Sarah first to make sure she was okay with meeting him. He acted like he was entitled to make decisions for the child he had neglected for well over a decade. I had forgotten about Scott’s ill temper and ego-driven entitlement. I wish I had made another choice.

Sarah was both excited and nervous, but the three of us met at a coffee shop in Seattle after her basketball game one weekend afternoon. Scott showed us pictures of his family, and we were both surprised to find out he had another daughter. Sarah said, “I have a sister? I’ve always wanted a little sister!” Scott reminded her they were only “half-sisters.” I remember the look of heartbreak in Sarah’s eyes. When Scott asked if she had any questions, Sarah asked him what her grandparents had been like, assuming they had passed away. He told her, “Oh, they’re alive and well and living on Whidbey Island.” Sarah was distraught. She said, “Wait. My family has been living two hours away from me my whole life and has never tried to reach me? Not even one birthday card my whole life?” Scott’s demeanor changed in an instant. It was clear he was angry and did not like being questioned by a teenager, much less a girl.

We all exchanged phone numbers and email addresses. Scott gave Sarah $100 toward the $7500 braces bill and additional required jaw surgery. He reassured her and made empty promises about making up for lost time together and her being “daddy’s little girl.” They scheduled time to meet up on the following weekend for just the two of them. Sarah was excited and filled with hope. Unfortunately, Scott no showed. Despite Sarah’s phone calls, texts, and emails and despite mine, Scott never responded or reached out. When my mom pleaded with him, “Please don’t break Sarah’s heart,” he told her if she ever contacted him again, he would sue her for harassment.

Scott destroyed my little girl. He never made a single attempt with her. After that weekend, Sarah continually asked, “Mom, what is so wrong with me that my father and his whole family don’t want anything to do with me? How can he live so close and never want to see me?” Scott broke Sarah’s heart. My chipper, always happy, funny, athletic, poetic girl with a terrific GPA, became a different person. This is when her drug problems, eating disorders, and abandonment issues began. Sarah became a heroin addict. The trajectory of her life changed because I allowed a monster to meet his daughter.

Fast forward to June 2013. Sarah went missing. The University of Washington had just released a study on the black tar heroin epidemic crippling Seattle’s youth. A local news station interviewed me about Sarah. We discussed how heroin impacted our family and in exchange, they aired Sarah’s Missing Persons photo along with my plea for help and aired the interview several times.

Scott called me the night the interview was aired. The first words out of his mouth were, “If I’d known you were going to be that kind of mother, I would have stepped in and taken custody.” He went on to tell me that he had “successfully raised three children” and blamed my “liberal views” on Sarah’s addiction. He never even considered how his actions changed Sarah’s life.

I messaged his sister Adrienne, and she responded that I had told her to stay out of our lives. But this never happened. I believe Scott had someone else call her, pretending to be me. I would never say those words or intentionally watch my child suffer.

Sarah called me the next day and I picked her up. She was sitting underneath her own Missing Persons photo. She had heard about the news story and saw the posters. She asked if her “other family” had reached out. Sarah was suicidal. She was committed for 5 days at Harbor View.

Sarah struggled with heroin addiction for 13 years. I tried everything. I put her into seven rehabs, two detox facilities, had her stay in sober houses, see therapists, etc. You name it, I tried it. More importantly, Sarah did everything she could. She put herself through two additional rehabs, was on Methadone for a while, was on Suboxone, and briefly saw a therapist on her own. She was excited about entering drug court and finally, after more than a year being homeless, could not wait to be clean again.  Sarah went to her court date two days in a row, but due to the snowstorm, court was not in session. Our last conversation was via Messenger. Four days later she was found dead in a tent in the snow.

Sarah died February 10th, 2019, after 36 hours on Maximum Life Support while “brain dead”. She was only weeks away from her 27th birthday. My sweet, loving, completely family-oriented, compassionate daughter was gone for good. There are no words for this kind of pain. There is only an absence of hope and an abundance of suffering.

To add insult to injury, we found out about a little-known law in Washington State, that both biological parents had to agree on cremation, regardless of the child’s age. My mom and my sister were with me when the Funeral Director called Scott and put the conversation on speaker. Scott had already heard about Sarah’s death. His only question was about how much money we were going to try to get out of him. The answer was none.

Scott said he would complete the paperwork and send it right over. A few days later, the Funeral Director had to plead with him to sign papers and reminded him that he was holding up Sarah’s cremation. She told him that since I was having a Buddhist cremation ceremony and did not have Sarah’s body embalmed, we were in a fragile yet urgent situation. He called her back and said, “I’m entitled to my daughter’s ashes, correct?” Scott finally agreed to cremation but only if we would send him her ashes.

My daughter had been officially dead for 8 days before I could cremate her body. Sarah was in a box with her whole face turned yellow because of Scott’s actions; His final act in destroying my daughter.

Jennifer L Troyer

~ Jen Troyer, March 2021

Author: The Green Dragon Lady

Jen is a Digital Nomad, Business Owner and aspiring Wordsmith. Jen splits her time 90% in Thailand and 10% in Seattle. She’s a tattooed eco-warrior, traveler, mom, vegetarian, diver, pool hall junkie, political loud mouth, and advocate for women and animals. As a highly functional person living with OCD most of her life, she channels that energy through spreadsheets (so many!), living in her happy place (Thailand), caring for animals (including rescued elephants), spending quality time with friends and family, listening to live music, and being passionately outspoken about what matters to her. Jen owns an eco-friendly house cleaning company in Seattle and loves teaching people how to do anything in the most environmentally and socially responsible way possible. Whether it’s the food we put in our bodies, the cleaning products and supplies we use in our homes, or the businesses we frequent, there’s always a responsible solution. She believes every dollar spent is a vote for something. Where you spend has a big impact.