Limbo, May 2007


I am in Limbo. Somewhere between Heaven and Hell – without believing either ever existed. This is where dead souls come to wait, to be rescued from the chaos they’ve created in their own lives.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t intentionally come here. I just loved. That’s supposed to be good and pure and light – and it was for a while. For a while it was beautiful and amazing, it was warm and it was happy – until it was revealed that it was all a lie. A made up place in a person’s mind, a place I could visit but never stay.

I’m a crack whore or a meth addict. I just want more. I want one more hit of that place with you. I know what could be waiting at the end of the road for me, but I just want more. I want to feel that way again. One more hit, one more kiss, one more orgasm, and then I’ll stop being addicted to you.

I’m a born again Christian, just trying to do everything right so I can get to that place – that made up place somewhere out there, so I can be saved by you. Just like a Christian, who has been made to believe all the scary things you say: Love me or go to hell, Reject me and go to hell. But loving you is hell. Loving you means rejecting me.

Just one more hit, one more orgasm, one more kiss, one more embrace, then I’ll stop my addiction.

I’m Dorothy in my own sick Wizard of Oz, just trying to go home. But I don’t know where home is anymore and I keep following some God dammed brick road stained yellow from the piss of every failed relationship I’ve ever had. And if I look closely, I realize you’re the wizard of oz and I’m every fucking character. You stole my heart. You stole my brain. You stole my mother fucking identity and just gave me a hint of your made up Kansas.

But I just want one more hit, one more orgasm, one more click of my heels and then I’ll go…or you’ll stay and realize that we made heaven ourselves.

~ Jen Troyer, May 2007

Author: The Green Dragon Lady

Jen is a Digital Nomad, Business Owner and aspiring Wordsmith. Jen splits her time 90% in Thailand and 10% in Seattle. She’s a tattooed eco-warrior, traveler, mom, vegetarian, diver, pool hall junkie, political loud mouth, and advocate for women and animals. As a highly functional person living with OCD most of her life, she channels that energy through spreadsheets (so many!), living in her happy place (Thailand), caring for animals (including rescued elephants), spending quality time with friends and family, listening to live music, and being passionately outspoken about what matters to her. Jen owns an eco-friendly house cleaning company in Seattle and loves teaching people how to do anything in the most environmentally and socially responsible way possible. Whether it’s the food we put in our bodies, the cleaning products and supplies we use in our homes, or the businesses we frequent, there’s always a responsible solution. She believes every dollar spent is a vote for something. Where you spend has a big impact.